Let Them Be...

In case any of you were interested in the article I wrote for Newcastle's Child, here it is!

Let

Them Be

In these testing times, have

we forgotten about children

being children, asks Sandra

McDowell.

I’m a former high-school teacher, my husband is a university professor, and we have five children spread between three different educational establishments.  So, as you might imagine, we value education.  But more and more I’m troubled by the emphasis placed on testing and exams and how the idea of children being children and having fun seems to be overlooked.  I’m writing this in the wake of NAPLAN (National Assessment Plan – Literacy and Numeracy) tests, half-yearlies and piano exams.  While none of my three who sat NAPLAN this time was overly traumatised, I am concerned about how much time was spent preparing for these tests.  Going over and over some aspect of the curriculum until it clicks may well have it’s place, such as the learning of times tables, but what about the music, drama, history, geography and art neglected in the mean time?

Often the pressure of exams can switch a child off completely and create an unwilling learner.  My oldest son recently sat a piano exam that reduced him to tears of relief when it was over.  He can play beautifully, and was accepted into the accelerated music program at school, but when exams are around the corner he gets tense, which shows in his playing.  Practising becomes a chore and causes arguments.  He has spent the last six months playing the same three pieces he will no doubt never want to hear again.  We’ve decided he will no longer sit exams unless he feels it will help. And will instead play for the love of playing.

This is the boy whose favourite teacher at school is his English teacher, because she always goes off on tangents.  She teaches them the curriculum, but more importantly takes them way beyond it.  She stimulates their imaginations, encourages debate and gives them an enthusiasm for learning that will hopefully last a lifetime.  The best teachers inspire children to learn, to ask questions, to think carefully about their answers and to become independent learners.  They tell stories and encourage their students to do the same.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that formal education is important.  I’m thankful for the opportunities I had because of a formal education, but equally what children learn outside of school from parents, extended family and the wider community is invaluable.  As a wise friend said, “school is one part of education, not the be-all and end-all”.  Education is also about learning values from parents, teachers and peers; developing an awareness of the wider world around us and how our actions affect others; learning the value of physical activity; and expressing ourselves through music, stories, art, acting and dancing. 

We went on a four-day camping holiday with friends in January, during which there was a total gadget ban – no mp3 players, no smartphones, no tvs. The kids wailed and begged, accused us of child cruelty and said they weren’t coming.  In the end they swam, ran, chased, climbed, played football, played with kites they made themselves, painted each others’ faces, painted glass jam jars and used candles to light up the site at night when we strummed guitars, chatted and played games.  They read books, hunted for crabs and learnt to look after smaller siblings and friends without causing tantrums.  They had a ball.  That’s the kind of education our kids miss out on too often these days.

I hope my tribe does well at school.  The harder they work the better their qualifications and the greater their options in life will be, but I hope this does not come at the expense of their wider education.  I will continue to introduce them to books I think they’ll enjoy, and keep ‘letting’ them beat me at tennis.  My husband will keep showing them “important and significant” films and take them to play and watch football.  We will continue our lively debates on all manner of topics around the dinner table, and subject them to an eclectic mix of music in the car when no-one can escape, and hopefully we will pass on a love of education and learning that will last their lifetimes.

Nature or Nurture?

Husband is currently on the other side of the country for work-related stuff.  Last night he had dinner at the home of a colleague who went out of his way to apologise for his 3 and 5 year olds.  He explained that they can be really naughty and sometimes jump on the furniture.  This is not the first, second or even third time that John has had to stop himself from telling said friends/colleagues that they don't know they're living.

I describe our 5 as "feisty".  Some who have met them, or witnessed their behaviour, might go so far as to call them "feral".  While we discussed this on the phone this morning I said that we have to accept that the gene pool was never going to provide us with calm, quiet, peaceable children.  If I ask one of them to do something, it's as though they see it as a challenge or a dare.  For example I might say "stop jumping on the sofa" the response to which might be the child in question eye-balling me as they jump on it again.  Do they like to be told off?  Nagged?  Shouted at?  I don't know.  Life could be so much quieter.   If I say "No" to some request in the shop, we generally don't get tantrums but there may well be strong requests for me to explain "Why not?" to which I often eventually resort to "Because I said so" or even just "Because" when all my other answers are rejected.

I occasionally look after a lovely friend's kids before school and she always asks if they have behaved.  They rarely speak and are beautifully mannered, I am sure that the same can not be said when she returns the favour with Joseph and Meg who are capable of beautiful manners and being cooperative for others, but never quiet or calm.  Ever since they were tiny we have had to tell them all not to talk to strangers, not in response, but just to leave strangers alone!  This was seen yesterday in Aldi when Robert grilled a poor lady about the contents of her shopping basket, demanding to know if she had a dog "because you have dog treats".   They have, none of them, ever been backwards about coming forwards!

I have to look on the positive side and say that while we may have to put up with a very noisy, sometimes challenging house, our kids will reply when addressed by grown ups and can hold a sensible conversation when necessary.  They have strong opinions, can express themselves articulately and do not feel in the slightest bit swayed by what others in their classes or friendship groups think.  They are mostly confident and are learning to deal with issues of temper and the urge to 'discuss' things at top volume...

Having said that, it would be so lovely to ask children to do something and have them just do it the first time without questions, debate or threats!

source

To send or not to send...

I have been tossing this around for a month now.  Do I send Smallest Boy to school next January?  I have filled out his enrolment form but still can't quite bring myself to hand it in to the wee school next door.  Why?  Well, he will be 4 and 10 months at the end of January, exactly the same age, almost to the day, that Archie was when he started school in Scotland in 2003, but I know of at least 2 kids who will be in his Kinder class (equivalent to p1 in Scotland and Reception in England - I think) who will be already 6 before the start of the school year.  That automatically makes my child much younger than the rest.  My concerns are not about his academic ability, I'm sure he'll do fine, it's more the fact that 6 year old girls are generally less than impressed with 4 year old boys and are very happy to communicate it!

Between us John and I have experienced a number of different education systems.  I attended an Anglican Primary school followed by a Catholic Secondary school in England, while he went through the 11+ system in N.Ireland attending the local Grammar school.  Being a March birthday I would have been 4 and a half starting school, John being an end of June birthday was 4 and 2 months.  I then taught for 6 years in a grant-maintained high school in Essex, known for it's excellent high schools.  When it came to having our own kids, we lived in England and planned to have kids born in September or October in order to make sure that he (I was always convinced I would have boys!) would be one of the oldest in the class, the school age starting from 1st September.  Sure enough Archie was born in October.  However when I fell pregnant again no2 was to be born at the end of April making him very young in the year.  In the end, none of it mattered because when he was 3 months old we moved back to Scotland and to a whole other education system.  As it turned out the school age is from the 1st March making Archie very young and Jonathan one of the oldest.

In Scotland we were very fortunate, thanks to the Lib/Lab coalition at the time, to receive free pre-school education from the term after the child turns 3.  We chose to send all 4 of our kids to the wonderful Dalgety Bay Playgroup for a year where they had 5 morning sessions, and then to the pre-school nursery that was attached to the school they would later attend, again 5 morning sessions a week.  I had absolutely no qualms about sending any of them and in fact would not have been able to hold any of them back as this was only an option if your child had a Dec-Feb birthday. As it turned out, they also started a composite system where they started with the youngest child in the school,counted up to the number for the p1 class, then the next p1 class and so on so that all the children were in a class where the other kids were very close together in age.  I know some parents took issue, but I figure the teachers generally know best and my kids were happy and learning.

When moving to Australia we found that suddenly with school age being taken from 1st August we were back to Archie being one of the older ones and rather than the 2 year gap between him and Jonathan in Scotland, they were now only a year apart with Jonathan being one of the youngest.  Joseph being June was even younger again and when I suggested sending Meg, whose birthday is mid July, people raised eyebrows!  Having come from Nursery where she was chosen to recite a Christmas poem at the whole school assembly and then again to all the parents, I was quite convinced that she was able and ready.  I have since questioned my decision.  All of her teachers have reassured me that she is academically able, but her yr1 teacher told me that she saw Meg as a leader but that she would never get that opportunity in that class due to her age, again most of her friends are a year older.

I resisted repeating her and her yr2 teacher was much more encouraging, having a daughter the same age and coming from more of a Steiner background himself.  He worked all year to give her more responsibility, recommending books to read that would push her on and encouraging her to stick up for herself and be the best she could be.  I am very grateful.  I also knew that in yr3 she would be joining the bigger school where there were 4 yr 3 classes and more children closer to her age.  She is thriving.  Loving the challenge, working well and starting to look more like the Meg we knew in Scotland.

People still ask me if I'm not concerned about her senior years at school - how will she cope with exams, how will she cope with all her friends driving and drinking before her?  I have mixed feeling about these questions.  John was very young and ended up not doing as expected in his A-Levels first time around.  He did very well second time, but opportunities were missed.  I don't want that for my children.  On the other hand, we are a family that talks, supports, badgers, nags and encourages!  In 15 years time when they have all left I'll be able to tell you if it worked out.  Our long term plan is to get back to Scotland within the next 5-10 years (sooner if the right job were to come up) in which case none of this will be relevant anyway.  My argument is that if/when we go back I would much rather my kids be 6 months ahead than 6 months behind, I would rather they were in classes with their peers than with kids a year younger.

Ultimately I think that being the youngest of 5 will stand Robert in good stead for starting school.  No 6 year old girl can be as mean to him as his big sister can be (not at all often, but it does happen!) and the size of the school, 3 classes K-2,  is also a huge plus in this case.  While a public school, they are able to do more to build kids' confidence and sense of responsibility because of the family feel and because education is seen as more than just academics, before he feeds into the larger school for yr 3.  His pre-school teacher is convinced that he is ready, I'm pretty sure he is, it's just going to be all the other parents who say "Oh, he's a bit young isn't he?".  If the worst comes to the worst there will be plenty of opportunities along the way to repeat, but for now he is excited to be going to Mrs B's class - maybe she's the one I should be worrying about...!

I would love to hear what you have done/plan to do.

"Raising Boys"

After my last post, I had lots of lovely comments on facebook and here about my parenting philosophy but I have to say that it mostly comes from my own upbringing and being introduced to "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph at an early stage in my parenting journey.  I can't find it anywhere so I'm assuming I have leant it to someone at some point.  I tend to feel that if you lend books you have to be prepared to never see them again!

If you have boys and haven't read this book then can I suggest that you get on to Amazon/the Book Depository/Borders or wherever you can find books these days and get a copy or 2.  It is full of the most wonderfully freeing common sense advice.

I also stumbled across this article yesterday about The 8 things boys really need from their parents, which gives a lot of the same kind of advice.  Basically boys have to be boys in order to become men.  They need to be physical, loud and boisterous and no amount of trying to make them sit nicely, like girls are often more capable of doing, is going to help.  It will only make them feel inadequate and resentful.

Obviously we have our moments here, one of the boys in particular does my head in at the moment, but I can remember back to when Archie was at the same stage (See, not him for a change Christine!) and know that there is hope.  He needs a lot of exercise, adventure, and danger - I foresee a career in the SAS.  Equally he is such a loving, sweet and generous boy - he'd definitely give you his last Rolo (except they are made by Nestle so he's not allowed to have them...!).

As another friend pointed out privately, it's all been about team work.  Those of you who know us well know that John is (and always has been) very hands on, partly because he needs a lot of exercise too!  He does work A LOT and woe betide anyone who interrupts, but there have always been runs, bike rides, football and now there is also a lot of bonding over movies that "the boys HAVE to watch"!  The long hours he worked and commuted in Edinburgh were very hard going for all of us and I think I was probably heading for a wee padded room and lovely white jacket somewhere.  Coming here, while hard going in it's own way, has given us back our family time which is so precious.  So err, not one to be gushy but thanks Mate.  Hilariously, he does actually read this and often asks why I haven't posted!

I should also mention my brother and his great contributions to the upbringing of my boys.  Unc has always been as involved as a single young bloke can be, always coming over for birthdays, helping out with football parties, taking the big ones out to Edinburgh on their own for a day and so on.   He has never held back from telling me how gutted he was/is that I have taken his nephews and neice away.  He is great at keeping in touch with them on skype and facebook, never one to miss the chance at a bit of a wise crack.  We all miss Unc heaps.

For Grandma, Unc and anyone who might be interested, I'm planning a wee holiday round up post next...

Edited to add:  you can now find me on facebook if you fancy it...  Haven't worked out how to add a sidebar link so if anyone can help that would be great!

Growing up

So with turning 40 and Smallest Boy turning 4 a couple of weeks ago, we have all been thinking a lot about change.  This is the first time we have got to 4 without another baby or pregnancy.  We have reminisced about each of them, laughed at things they did/said as littlies, and shuddered at other things they did/said!  One that always stands out and makes me shudder, but all the kids scream with laughter, was Jonathan at the age of about 18 months telling Grandma "Fock off".  As you can imagine Grandma was horrified and looked at me as if to say "what are you teaching my grand children??"  To explain, we had just got in from some fun outing and he was asking Grandma, very sweetly, to take his socks off, the "foos" having already been dealt with!

I've also been thinking about my parenting skills, or lack thereof.  I was never one of those mothers who listened to all the advice from the proper grown-ups.  I breast-fed on demand for as long as baby and I wanted to and whenever baby wanted to, we did some co-sleeping, lots of cuddling and "spoiling" (honestly!!), but my rule was that "Mummy always wins" - helps you to think before picking those fights!

Miss Meg a couple of days old

As they got older (and took up more space) the big boys were never all that interested in toys and were more interested in playing on me or Daddy.  They have always been feisty and I do remember years of exhaustion and the feeling that I couldn't cope with these wild children.

An armful of wriggly boys

We learnt that getting them OUT was the only way for survival, which was why I walked everywhere, dragging toddlers and pushing a pram, up hills, down hills, along the coast path so rugged up that their wee arms stuck out horizontally!

A wet and windy walk near Stirling (spot the Wallace Monument)

They learnt to ride bikes and played in the street until it was dark and I encouraged the older boys to take on responsibility by walking/riding to school by themselves, walking to friends houses and even going to the shops for the odd can of tomatoes.  Fortunately we lived in a quiet, small town where they would have been spotted getting up to any nonsense and I would have know all about it before they even got home.  They played football in all weather with John and would have to strip at the back door and be hosed down, I had to bin undies that were so mud-stained even Vanish couldn't shift it!

Coming to Australia changed things again.  Where we live is not so conducive to walking about safely, schools are a bus ride away, as are most friends.  They have been learning new skills and are adapting to new ideas and ways of doing things.  But there is still a lot of beach action and lots of football with Dad when things get too boisterous in the house.  Sport has proven to be a life-saver for us and them!

All 5 of them having a walk together at One Mile Beach

 Dad's training school!

I spent a morning recently clearing out all the old baby cups, plates and bowls and doubling my storage space.  It is quite sad to get rid of these things that I have handled, washed and used on a daily basis, some for 13 years, and now it would appear that we could probably do with buying a new dinner set for all the people using 'proper' plates now.  Another reminder that we are moving on and growing up.

When they ask me about my job as a mum I tell them that my job is to make sure they leave home.  This used to be met with shock and wobbly lips, but the older ones realize that I see my role as preparing them to go out into the big, wide world, able to cope with whatever is thrown at them.  I won't be with them at University to write their essays, I've got my degree already.  I won't be there to do their food shops, cooking, washing up, cleaning, laundry etc.  I figure that if I do my job right now then hopefully (everything crossed tightly) they will turn out to be decent, successful human beings.  But for the moment we are still juggling a pre-schooler and a teenager and 3 more inbetween.  It's a whole new kettle of fish these days, but I think we have all survived relatively unscathed so far.

We talk a lot as a family.  We discuss our faith and beliefs, hopes and fears and how putting these into action should affect the way we live our lives to benefit others.  We talk about how people judge each other, how to avoid judging and to avoid being judged.  They are given responsibilities around the house and help out more as they get older.  There is a lot more growing up to be done, but every now and then there is a glimpse of the fantastic people they will become.
 

As for me, I think I'll just stay 40 for a few more years...